I do not know how long it has been.

Surely more than 12 months.

Started with a San Sebastian, ending with a San Sebastian, with the help of this dim light.

It all started with this dim light, in fact.

I had the idea of trying this small coffee shop for a long time. One day, as the random generator won against my thoughts (again), I just took the wrong bus. Here, this small coffee shop, two people serving. Upstairs - almost always better than the downstairs. There it is.

Although I do not know when it begun, I surely do remember the feeling. That was it. Not the view of the sea, not the comfort of these chairs - that perfect yellow was the reason of me being there. I knew (and I still know) it’s magical. I saw all my life in it. All of my memories. All of my thoughts. All of my decisions. All of my regrets. All of my anger. All of my hopes.

Or… all the emptiness, you may say.

If any of you saw what I’m looking at right now, probably you would just scoff. But it’s… beautiful. It is so good that I have been writing about this for that long. I checked every tone of yellow, every stock photo of lamps, every environment - none seems to match. When the original color of the wall & pattern gets united with this dim light, it converts to something ineffable. I prefer to call this as “Dim Light Yellow”.

Mind you, this is not the most stupid idea of me. Actually, it is not stupid at all. Dim Light Yellow is what kept me alive.

The false sense of security.

I always had the fear regarding the emptiness inside. From the emptiness, from which I fed.

The notion of living is so complex that when I think about it, I always have a duality. On one side, these typical ideas regarding my existence, my beliefs, my power. On the other hand, I always had a hole, just like most of you.

Well, that hole is a poison. Such emptiness simply sucks the soul out of the body, along with anything that benefits you. Dumber & number, you just rumble. You just see all these discussions, all these philosophers, taking their turns to describe, to analyse, to symphatize, to discuss… just to make the hole even bigger. A solution set with a cardinality of zero.

Heck, the only cure is the Dim Light Yellow. It fixes… well, nothing. However, it did teach me one thing: The way of living with the hole. See, it is impossible to fill the hole. So you have to embrace it. Just like this wall, embracing the lamp, going along in a quiet way, and thereby forming the Dim Light Yellow: The single greatest thing ever existed.

Just a side note, you should not ignore it. Embracing is not ignoring it. Ignoring this is simply detrimental. I’m not going to discuss the ways of embracing further as it requires me to sit and think a bit longer than usual to write these lines about this beauty. Still, you are free to consider it as an exercise left to the reader, and you should define it on your own.

We’re created as tiny specks in the galaxy to be forgotten one day. We have to embrace it. Ok, let me say this - one way of doing this is trusting the Dim Light Yellow… and sending everything you have, right to the hole. All your life. All your memories. All you thoughts. All your decisions. All your regrets. All your anger. All your hopes. All your emptiness. Only then, you may shape yourself to live with it nicely.

Best of luck on finding your Dim Light.

p.s. these are just some useless ideas and notes to myself, to be forgotten… with almost no importance - in case you forgot.