I used to hate movies and series for not being realistic. Some of you probably remember this. They often produce a weak scenario with lots of gaps and ridiculous coincidences, which I simply can’t stand. I mean, hey, let’s play some dramatic music, then let our hero do the job… repeat.

There’s also one more aspect of me hating movies and series: I find them unrealistic. Probability of such events occurring in real life seems to be infinitesmall. Yeah, let’s build an impossible love between two people, add some drama, some sauce, some more drama, an (un)expected twist… boom. Let’s film a war scene in which the enemy searches for our boy, then just misses him. Come on.

Well, this was the situation. However, considering what I’ve been going through for some time - I might be wrong.

Previously, I had a concise definition of “realistic”. Just think about it, we have millions of stories and movies with dramatic scenes, powerful quotes, or exciting ideas. All of them are produced to appeal people in some way. All for sale. While some are based on real stories, tell me: How many of you would prefer to watch it without very cool cinematography techniques? Answer should not be too much (or maybe I’m a fool, I don’t know).

Nowadays, looking at my past… I think I was wrong. It has not been that much of me on this planet, but there’s definitely enough material to produce a movie. We have everything we need: An unique character, some action points, combinations of insane stories, a mix of cool quotes and scenes… frankly speaking, none of the stories that I wrote & published was about me, all were fictional - so sometimes I wonder what it would look like if I were to write a story reflecting myself. Worth giving a shot though it’d probably be horrible.

There’s undoubtedly hours of talk for each material that I mentioned. That said, I just want to give a sneak peak.

As of writing these, I’m in the middle of a fucking burnout. It’s not my first, and not sure if it’s going to be the last (hope it will, wish it will). It will surely pass though, no worries.

Seeing myself unable to iterate on any thoughts, unable to focus on anything, unable to fulfill the promises given… it sucks.

It sucks even more in the sense that it’s impossible to progress on anything. There’s this vicious cycle of start & shutdown of my laptop without accomplishing any meaningful work. Heck, even the darn laptop is buggy these days. Stupid Slack won’t closed, stupid Code won’t close, stupid apps freeze. It’s as if laptop also recognized my mood and tries to resist.

Such incompetency brings more questions. It’s not the burnout only, perhaps. Perhaps, my indolence affects my life more than it should be. I mean, most of the time, people say that I am such a high achiever. While truly appreciating that, looking back at my past tempo and effort, it’s easy to say that I did not put the necessary effort during many critical times of in my life.

Job? Fuck it, let’s just resign. TOEFL? Screw it. SAT? Screw it. Who cares, huh? Just go play some Dota. You achieved a lot without doing shit, still you can. You got medals, you got scores, you got prizes… look! No need to do anything at all. Magnificent!

It took me way too long to realize the things have changed a bit. There are still some glimpses in this regard - but in general, days of glory might have been a thing of the past. Almost all the time I’m under the pressure of being dumber & numbing myself - by myself.

So, from time to time, I wonder if it’s about me trying to be a better person. Here’s the not-so-perfect correlation: As time goes on and I try to shape my actions by spending more time my social interactions*, I create more distruptions in my thought processes. Persistent lack of attention then comes in, forms strange rules in my priority queue, thus making my focus drift away - all the way down to the leaf nodes.

Assuming the hypothesis above is true, there are three basic solutions / status changes I could found:

• Going full alone: I did that. For quite some time, I minimized every kind of social interaction. To some extent, it works. After a while, it is scary. Also, yet another corrupted priority queue appears in this case as well (maybe it’s all about my failure on time management skills…). While I’m still a proponent of this idea, I’m not sure if it’s the best one.
• Middle ground: Being at the middle ground will work. Will be extremely hard, but it will work. Just like every other idea in life. Secure but boring. Boring as fuck.
• Time travel: Going full berserk (again). Actually, this is the one I think will most certainly work. If I go back to the times in which I was a (sort of) a psycho, I would be motivated more. Would things be better? I’m not sure. This is especially dangerous as there may not a way to get back to colorful days. It’s such a narrow portal that is almost impossible to revert. I did it once with some luck in years. I cannot risk it for the second time.

Ok, here’s one more:

• Keeping it same: We all need some time, don’t we?

Combining all these, we all can agree that there’s some hope still. Maybe someone will write the code for me.

They will implement the fourth one, don’t they?

Or maybe… this is not main point?

Ok, to extend that - can this lack of motivation it be completely about my personal life? I mean, what if everything is normal, and if I manage to overcome some of my personal issues, will I bounce back? Most likely. The thing is, there were always some personal problems. And there will always be some. How long will I continue let myself down because of this?

For the last several years of my life, there were always some external actions that prevented me to reach to the peace of mind. Randomly, emotionally, whatever you say. Even in these times, I somehow managed to pull it off. Controversies around the methods will always remain, I’m not disagreeing that. Damages I caused, people that are hurt - these will be around me forever, and I’m geniunely sorry for it.

Yeah, I did pull them off one by one… but not anymore. I cannot do it. I’m incapable of doing it. I’m just tired. Tired to be a part of a movie. Tired of having confusions, tired of having confessions, tired of having dramatic moments. Tired to walk in the rain, in the wind, in the cold.

I expose my vulnerabilities in every single fucking moment I talk with others - sometimes I manage to put a mask and continue without them noticing anything, and sometimes I fail to put a mask and just say whatever’s on my mind. Then I try to behave as if I did not say anything sad, depressive, or suicidal.

Personal problems won’t go away. Also, solution to these does not involve anything new. Hence, I’m not discussing them here.

Or maybe… this is not main point?

Imagine this: What if everything was

• A lie?
• A deception?
• An ego deception?

I’m not going to keep this long: I geniunely believe that I may very well be on my cognitive limit. After activating every single brain cell, my performance cannot go beyond this line; it’s now stable. I had that feeling three years ago - during my continuous failures at exams. Although minor, this is on the table as well. Odds are not very low. Going to keep this in mind.

Or maybe… this is not main point?

There’s one more.

For so long I’ve felt so different. Infinitely many ideas that I could not resolve in my head. I ignore most of them in my free time. A real-life replica of Pandora’s Box, it should never be opened.

Just as the famous suicide idea, it’s there but never touched. Because if I touch it and look deeper, nothing will ever be the same again. No one knows what the future may bring. It must be ignored until death, sharing a similar fate with the Elephant’s Foot.

I prefer not to live with such thoughts, never talk or think about them. I truly wish they never come out. I truly wish I could simply throw them out. Let’s see how long I can keep up with it. If I gave up… you will surely know.

Nothing new under the sun.

This blog is brought you by some night trains of M2, M6, and Ankara Express.

(*) Just a simple but necessary disclaimer, I’m not viewing this as a set of equations**, of course. While many see me as a sociopath, I do see every interaction pretty emotional. I’m, actually, pretty emotional. I do care, and care more, and care more… and the rest happens.

(**) The notion of becoming a senseless machine does not belong to this discussion, mainly becuase it should be evaluated in a very different context. Not here.

Epilogue

Life, unlike the movies with their seamless narratives, is a complex web of disorder and unpredictability. Despite its chaos, it remains a beautiful entity with passion and love.

Perhaps the secret to contentment is to accept that life is a series of peaks and valleys, where the voyage holds as much significance as the final destination. It involves embracing the unforeseen and discovering the silver linings within the turmoil.

Thus, confronting yet another day of social trials and tribulations, I opt to cling to optimism. I maintain the conviction that there is an underlying purpose to all things, even if it remains hidden from my view. I have faith in my own resilience and capacity for growth, regardless of the circumstances that come my way.

By acknowledging life’s imperfections and welcoming uncertainty, I might uncover the tranquility and joy that has evaded me for so long. Although I may never assume the role of a cinematic hero, I possess the potential to be the protagonist of my own narrative - a flawed, human character teeming with possibilities, once again.

As the daylight moves away and the celestial bodies emerge, I inhale deeply and release my grip on the reins. I relinquish my desire for control, predictability, and flawlessness. Instead, I resolve to revel in life’s beautiful disorder and derive pleasure from the path ahead, no matter where it may lead.